Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1639708002058924034/pu/vid/360x720/noBg66fNaUIlXEEx.mp4?tag=12

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE