Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

I have two kinds of followers

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!