Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.