Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why soy sad?

6. me as a lawyer

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

thinking about this

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH