Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

(Electricians.)

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.