Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

something like this could probably happen to anyone