Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

*pronounces patio like ratio

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

i would wish you the best but i am the best

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie