DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit