Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Everything reminds me of my ex

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”