Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”