DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?