Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

work smarter, not harder

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon