Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Customize Your Wedding.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Van Gone

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy