Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

pat pat

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade