DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.