Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

There’s no “u” in narcissist

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.