Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I want to meet the individual who made this

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.