Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property