Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

mom gave me mine for free

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?