Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

I’m calling the cops.

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.