Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

🙅🏻

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

everyone’s a critic

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?