Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.