Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

I want what they have

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!