Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]