Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope it’s French Onion!

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

God has left this place

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.