Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready for Halloween this year

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

what are they serving at kfc then???

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*