Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Matt Goss
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys