Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
there’s music for literally every activity
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.