Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild