8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I am all good here, 😂😉
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax