*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
😂😂😂
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Pot warmers of the day.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
All generalizations are stupid.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch