*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
translated into Canadian
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.