*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Florida be like…
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…