[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“No way.” -Jose
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.