Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.