[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
So sorry
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…