My gym trainer told us to run around the building with 15 lb. kettlebells. I told him if I wanted to run with an extra 15 lbs, I wouldn’t be at the gym.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age
Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast