@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

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@CrabbyDaCrab

My gym trainer told us to run around the building with 15 lb. kettlebells. I told him if I wanted to run with an extra 15 lbs, I wouldn’t be at the gym.

@psybermonkey

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

@nbadag

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

@thepunningman

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@online_rat

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast