@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

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@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@Thynebear

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

@Alex_N_Chains

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

@faungirl123

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

@Juicedballs

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.