[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.