[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.