Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

let’s discuss

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue