Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Good boy 😂😂

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.