Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though