Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

I am yelling

me when I see my crush

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO