@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

You Might Also Like

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@Sean_Burgundy_

The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

@climaxximus

real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.

pacman: sold

@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

@roboticcrab

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@ThaJawn

(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps

@5oulhealer

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!