VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
this is the greatest thing ever
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!