DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….