Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Sometimes? I’m slipping

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.