Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive