Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.