Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Muppet Screams

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?