Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.