Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.