Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
