Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Great game to play with friends

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”