Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.