Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos