Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”