*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.