Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

tfw you realize …

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.