Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

all that yoga finally paid off

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no