Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

OKAY DAD

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.