DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??