Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

Who’s your best friend?

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.