Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

i really liked this one

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.