[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that