[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now