Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Seems kinda suspicious
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.