“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?