Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Same pineapple, same

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

I feel it