Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

God tier horse name today on the sims

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Proctologist = Analyst

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.