Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

👀

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.