Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord