Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor