Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.