Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

If only

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.