Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
knights of the ikea table
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation