Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My dream car is a taco truck.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free