Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song