Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Mike is short for Micycle
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.