Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
so i’m at the stock market right
