Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’