Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?