Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
money maker
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?