Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Seems legit
